Thursday, February 21, 2008
well... I have been avoiding posting for some time now. I hope you enjoyed seans shenanigans. I feel strange posting something new. It feels like just moving on to the next thing. When the truth is, I am still so sad and having such a hard time. We are very poor, don't have a place to call our own, sean is now waiting tables at night, no insurance, and all i want is a baby. Reality is that Im just going to have to wait. The mall i work at is apropriately nick named, "strollerbriar." Every where i turn there are babies. It seams a lot of my friends are pregant, and I really am so happy for them, I wish i was pregnant with them. Our finances and my anxiety are not making this trial any easier.
I cringe when people tell me i need to trust God. While i know that it is true... I can't reconcile the fact that he gave me something that made me the happiest i have ever been and then took it all away. I really do believe that He is good and will be faithful, but I'm walking a tight rope everyday. Somedays i know that sean and i will be mommy and daddy and that our baby has a great home in heaven, and other days i am depressed and cant even begin to think about it.
I really don't like it when people post a list of their problems. I guess thats what Im doing now though. I know that there are a number of you that i haven't returned phone calls to, Im sorry i really do want to but, to be honest i am just not up for talking about this, and i know that it will come up. But please know that i really appreciate your calls. I wanted to update every one because we really need your prayers.