Friday, September 10, 2010

September tenth, two thousand ten

Last night before bed, I told Sean that I didn't think that I could make it through tomorrow (it's been a long week). He said, "one more day, we can do it, then its Saturday and we will be together." Hopeful, i fell asleep, only to wake up to a screaming little boy, standing in the poop that leaked out if his diaper. How a kid can produce that much poop is beyond me! Thrusted headfirst into this day that has so far has consisted of cleaning off the poop, eating chocolate, crying and looking at the clock a lot. But then the wise words of a dear friend popped into my head, "Don't wish your days away." So I am now trying to change the gears in my mind and heart, because, though it is hard today, the truth is I can't imagine my life without these goobers of mine. I love them with all of my heart and want to cherish my days with them. The Lord is my strength and He has given me 3 wonderful gifts. It wasn't my idea to have them all within 14 months of each other, but i wouldn't change it for the world now. I'm so aware of his grace on me and my family. Remembering that Trusting in the Lord doesn't mean that he will take away trial and pain, but it does mean that he will care for and love us through it. I find much comfort in knowing that the Lord grieves with us. His heart is sad with ours. I can't tell you why He doesn't just take it away, because we will just never know, and I have to be okay with that.

My heart is swollen with love and am feeling deeper love than I ever have. I am losing my dad to brain cancer and I miss him more and more each day, and I love him more and more each day, and am learning more and more about what family is. I think about the sacrifices that my dad made for me over the years and am inspired to sacrifice more for my children. I remember being 18 and having a terrible night mare. I woke up standing in front of my door screaming. my dad was on the other side of that door, ready to comfort and make me feel safe. He held me and even crawled in bed with me. He laid there until I was safe a soundly asleep. Though nightmares are terrible, what a sweet thing, to comfort your daughter. I am so glad to be that daughter and it makes me look forward to moments like that with my own children. and how kind of the Lord to take something bad and redeem it, making a nightmare give opportunity for my dad to be my night in shining armor!

I read a journal excerpt from a man that lost his wife of 30 years.

During this morning, I have been struck with the reality that my wife isn't coming back. She will never again sit up and make one of her wisecracks to put me in my place; never laugh with me or respond when asked how long we have been married by saying,"not long enough." ...I will never attend church with her, fly to some faraway city or sit around a dinner table with her and the boys...these things will never happen again. Today i am sad. Very, very sad.

Still it is consistent to say, may the peace of Christ bless you and keep you. And today, may you hold those in your house close to your body and feel them breath and take in their remarkable scent and give them your love.

Jim Chaffee, Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

The craziness of my 3 kids, my dad is fighting a war with brain tumors and we are broke. In spite of all that is going on, I want to take my eyes off of my self and love, I want to, "hold those in (my) house close to (my) body and feel them breath and take in their remarkable scent and give them (my) love.

"We love because he first loved us"

4 comments:

Jessica Rockey said...

Katie... thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I know it can be draining to even take the time to sit down and 'blog'... esp. when you're feeling emotionally drained.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed with Evangeline (and being pregnant) lately... and very often, when I feel that way, I pray for you... because I know you have more to feel overwhelmed about.
Anyway... (doodle should be sleeping, but is yelling 'stuck!'... those darn chubby knees... guess nap time is over)... talk to you soon.
Jessica

hosanna said...

Katie-J, what a beautiful post. How God shows up when we need him and meet our need at that moment is what this life is about. I am praying for you today. Much love and miss you tons!
h

Diane said...

Katie,
I am grateful for your post. I have missed your updates. Just yesterday you came to my mind and I thought "I need to email her and see how her dad is and how I can be praying." Now I know and I will pray.
xoxoxo

Albert said...

We just read your post - we read both this month. We will be praying for you two daily. Your love for your Dad makes us love our parents more and hold the time we have with them more preciously. Thank you for sharing your heart and trusting God and being real. We love and miss you both. Alb and Jen.